In A Burnout

Somewhere in your heart, you believe that a few might benefit from seeing your art. Fame or fortune aren’t important to you, only to share your achievements with anyone interested.

But how would you start to feel if you did this day after day and nobody seemed to show any interest. You know what you do is important, yet people pass not wanting to interact with you. How do you think you’d start to feel?

That may not be a reasonable scenario to consider. Nobody in their right mind would waste their time if nobody else is interested. But that silly analogy is how I’m feeling at this moment of time. Why have I spent most of my time this year designing and building this website that is effectively free for anyone to use? Why, with the number of visitors to this site over a week being able to be counted on two hands? Why continue? Why even bother?

Truth is, I don’t really know! I’m a little over half way into adding all the content I have for this website archived. I am producing at least two new articles weekly, on top of the importing of the archived stuff. Yet the number of visitors to this site are pathetically low.

I confess. Although I had tried to dismiss it, I have an underlying desire to be accepted through my work. Perhaps it stems back to a childhood where praise or worthiness was never received from my parents. 

Everyone has a desire to be liked. Nobody wants the opposite. I suspect that because I didn’t benefit from parents that showed any attention or outwardly love, I’m still seeking it in adult life. It’s tough at times, emotionally speaking.  My personality doesn’t help matters. I’m an introvert and extremely private person by nature. Nowadays, I rarely post on social media platforms relying only on my website as a public outlet.

But there in that last paragraph is an oxymoron. In one breath I seek a quiet life, whilst the other hand is choosing to share my work publicly. What is wrong with me? Surely I’m swimming against the tide? To answer that, I ask myself, what’s the alternative? To stay silent and satisfy the side of me that wants nothing other than a peaceful and quiet life at home with my beautiful partner. Or to say to the world, “Hey I’m a decent medium, with a reasonable level of knowledge about my subject, and I want to share it with the world.”

One of my beliefs is that I’m experiencing burnout. It happens to so many content creators. The pressure of constantly creating content to satisfy the demands of a fickle audience. I’ve been there several times over recent years. I had it with the podcasts. Yes they were successful, but they took so much work to create and produce that I eventually hit a mental wall and had to stop. This was compounded by the lack of financial rewards. I had to invest hundreds of my own money to sustain it, as I am continuing to do with this website.

Another issue I have to deal with is my driving desire for my work to reach an audience organically. In other words, without promoting or pushing it in front of people. Of course, that would cost money that I haven’t got anyway!

I often remind myself that as a student of mediumship some 25 years ago, I’d have given my left arm to have been able to access a website such as this one, free! But times have changed, no doubt. We live in a society that learns today and does tomorrow. There are more chiefs than Indians, to quote the phrase.  I suppose some might suggest that I’m acting like a chief in displaying my work. But that is not how it is, nor how I want it to be. I am still a student, and will remain one for the remainder of my life on work. Perhaps that’s a view others should consider.

Jane and I are off to Lanzarote again in the next few days for three weeks. Perhaps I need a break. But here’s the thing – I’ll continue to work whilst I’m there. I’ll continue to sit for spirit every day for the WFSIW series. I’ll continue to write other stuff. I can’t stop. I have to be doing something!

My experience of having burnouts is that continuing to work through them helps. I find time to re-evaluate, reconsider and evolve. I know I’m going through one now and I’m certain I’ll come through it.

More and more these days, I think of mediums and this artform as less of a way of life and more of a way of achieving some level of notoriety. I read of others promoting their books, their public events, their courses, and all too often, their personal opinions. That’s not for me. I’m an evidential medium, and I think quite a reasonable one too. I have a desire to share what I’ve learnt with others and expect nothing in return. Certainly that latter is working!

There you have it – the workings of the mind of a medium! Laid out without any bells and whistles! Emotionally struggling at times – you bet. Confused – more often than not. Concerned – not really. I realise I always have the option to stop. Thankfully that is not a decision I need to ponder over. If I do decide to stop with this website work, it will be a decision I make overnight and without hesitation. I have enough things in my life already to keep me occupied for a long time to come. 

Am I going to stop? Not just yet, I’ve still too much to do. Perhaps, as my friend in the south tells me, I’m building a legacy for others in the future. Fat lot of good that is for me here and now! 

That’s enough! My burnout speech is done. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll view everything differently, I’m sure.